24 posts tagged “life”

I've been kinda absent, haven't I?  It's likely that I will be posting sporadically over the next few weeks, due to being extremely busy with all manner of things.  But I will be back.  Special apologies to those who have just added me to their neighborhoods.  I swear, once I get back, I'll post every day.  Three times a day! 

I'll catch you all later!

I took a drive recently, completely shunning from my mind the fact that gas is so expensive and I really could have used that money elsewhere.  I needed to get out and away from the house.  It was smothering me.

I had planned to go out to Chandler, to a little park that used to be hidden away and had the best swing sets ever.  They're huge and sturdy, perfect for an adult who still relishes the feeling of soaring.  Swinging is special to me, almost spiritual.  Letting yourself go, pushing yourself to a height that you're comfortable with, and then just a little more.  I felt the need to fly.

Can't believe I still remember how to get there.  Turn left at the bank with the clock that's always wrong, past the subdivisions.  It used to be empty, this park, so you can imagine my disappointment to find it teeming with people attending a baseball game, not a parking spot in sight.  I turned back out onto the road, but instead of going right and toward home, I turned left again.  I followed that road for ages, and had no idea where I was.  Eventually, the cars behind me all turned off, until I was alone on this country lane, windows down and stereo blaring. 

Eventually, I ended up in Poyner, Texas.  It's not THAT far from home, but I still felt this satisfaction that, yet again, I have managed to take a feeling and run with it.   The littlest things, I swear.  They'll surprise the piss out of you.  Sitting outside today, alternating between reading and staring off into space, it started to sprinkle, just a tiny bit, and instead of running in, I sat and marveled at how cold the drops of rain were, like somebody poking me with an icicle.  I couldn't force myself to get up. 

I'm starting to feel again.

There is something about walking into the local Barnes & Noble that makes me feel like I'm coming home.  I have no idea how to explain this.  I got out of work at around 9:30 tonight, and after trying in vain to find a drinking buddy for the evening, I thought, "Fuck it.  I'm going to the bookstore.  I've been on decaf for weeks now; I'll get just as good a buzz from a frappuccino as I would from a Red-Headed Slut (that's a drink, by the way...you pervs)".  Might make the drive home a bit safer, too.

About three minutes later, I'm gathering up my keys and wallet and heading toward those big wooden double doors.   I pull one open, and immediately, I'm hit with a wonderful combination of scents...coffee, chocolate, and crisp, blemish-free book covers.  In other words, pure heaven, at least to me.  Cozy, inviting, and as familiar to me as anything I've ever known. 

I browse the stacks for a time, pausing to yank a book off the shelf and read the blurb on the back.  I add some titles to my mental list, and try to recall what I added the last time.  I should really start bringing a notepad in to keep track.  They've got a display up for Breaking Dawn, the newest book in Stephenie Meyers' Twilight series, which comes out in August.  I'm so excited.  Who thought YA paranormal romance could be so delicious? 

I slowly make my way into the fiction section, and I realize that I really, really need to get another copy of Pride and Prejudice, since the three copies I've owned in my life have either fallen apart or disappeared.  As luck would have it, they've got a lovely paperback edition on sale for a sinfully low price.  Score.

"It is a truth universally acknowledged..."

Okay, what next?  History, magazines, sex, cooking, mystery, romance?  All are inviting, but I glance over at the paperback new releases, and BOOM! there it is.  A book that I never remember to buy until I get home or run out of pocket money.  A book that has screamed for my attention since October, since my life turned upside-down.  It's almost like it speaks to me.  Eat, Pray, Love.  I have done all three in mass quantities lately.  The cover is so simple, so gorgeous.  

It's 20% off.  It is time.

Yay! I finally got it!

I feel like I'm embarking on one of those journeys where you know you're going to learn something, but aren't sure what or if you really want to.  Who knows?  I might hate the damn book twenty pages into it.  But I had to have it.  Maybe I'll review it later.

I walked out with my treasures in one hand, a coffee in the other, and my keys jangling to the tune of, "Life is grand."

Back in January, when I moved home to Tyler, I added a StatCounter to this blog.  I was curious to see how many people read my writing and where they hailed from.  I was pleasantly surprised to see hits from as far away as Russia, Brazil, London, etc.  But I noticed other things, too.

It's okay.  It's a public blog, and anyone who has access to the internet can and should be able to read what I write.  I still keep some posts private, even from close friends.  I have my secrets. 

However.  I do not understand why there are those who claim to hate me, who believe that I am a terrible person, and yet they are here, reading about my life, everyday.  Sometimes multiple times a day.   I hate that I have to address this, but I really don't understand.

Is it that:
a) you miss the friendship, as I do, and wish things had worked out differently?
b) you want to see if I'm miserable?
c) you're gathering ammunition?

Whatever the answer, I want to set aside my privacy for a moment and let you in.

The bad:  I do miss Jason sometimes.  I wake up some mornings thinking I am still in Florida.  I cry when I think too much about the library and the kids.  I feel like a failure from time to time.  I work a temp part-time job at the music store, and I barely make enough money to cover my car insurance and cell phone bills.  I have scars on the insides of my elbows from selling plasma to make ends meet.  I'm scared all the time. 

The good:  I drove all the way back myself.  I will be in school this fall.  I cook all the time.  I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for.  I have traveled.  I've dated, and though it didn't work out, I am grateful that I met him and care about him immensely.  He opened my eyes to the fact that I am a good person who deserves to be happy.  I drive my little car all over the place, no destination in mind.  I get out there and dance, even when I don't have a partner.  I wear dresses and pretty heels.  I drink when I can and have almost learned how to throw back a shot.  I'm still working on that.  I read whatever I want, whenever I want, and if I want to get online to kill a few hours, I don't feel guilty.

I am fine.  I hope you are fine, too.  I wish we could bury the hatchet, even if we do so in silence.  I want you to know that I am ready when you are.  Life is too short and too precious to carry a burden like this.

I got the news yesterday that my grandmother, my last remaining grandparent, had died of complications from pneumonia.  Nanny had been in an assisted living facility for the past several years, and also suffered from severe dementia.  Basically, she hadn't been "Nanny" for some time.  It's a shocking and sad thing to witness.  I'm glad that she is not suffering anymore, and I believe that she's in a better place. 

My family had planned a simple, private graveside service tomorrow, but I arrived home this afternoon to find out about an unexpected funeral home visitation.  Apparently, Nanny still had quite a few friends that had called and asked about the service.  My dad and uncle decided to hold a viewing tonight, and I went to support my dad.

She looked so different.  Skeletal.  Frail.  But her face was set in that same determined expression that I had seen my whole life.  We're stubborn people, my family and I.  It's our way or the highway.  That's the Nanny I remembered.

My five cousins, most of whom I haven't seen since I was fifteen, drove in with their flocks of adorable children.  So many years gone by!  The youngest is a junior at Texas A&M now, two are teachers, one is a stay-at-home mom with two little boys, and another has two little girls and is pregnant with her first son.  We talked about the old house out in Noonday, the strawberries we used to pick there, the old rope swing out back.  The games of Truth or Dare that we played long before we could think of any really good dares or had any secrets to confess.

I guess it's just a shock to see us now, grown and independent (for the most part).  I'll admit, I feel a little behind.  It's hard to watch those younger than you race by on life's little trek.  But there's time for that.  Not an incredible amount of time, as I was reminded today, but enough.

Kelli's coming up tomorrow for the service.  We'll probably go out for a drink with Leslie.  I'll get Guinness if I can.  Nanny was always so proud of me for loving my heritage.  I owe her a toast.  

If you had told me five months ago that my life was to take such an unexpected and overwhelming turn, I would've told you to fuck off.  I got too cozy; I got too lazy.  I stopped dreaming and started freaking out, or maybe I was freaking out all along.  I haven't a clue.  But to look at myself as I was and place it next to who I am today, not even a season later, the view is astonishing.  I'm constantly changing and growing...into what, I'm not quite sure. 

I spent so much time trying to fit my odd and awkward shape into a place where it wouldn't fit.  I'm not doing that to myself anymore.

It's amazing how the most screwed-up things can become the experiences that really kick the sense back into you.

I'd go through it all again, as long as I end up right back here, living my life in the most eye-opening way.  It's not easy, it's not cheap, and it's absolutely terrifying in every way.  I have nothing in my pocket, literally and figuratively.  But it's on my terms, every bit of it. 

I have forgiven, I am forgetting, and I'm turning my sights on the future.

Which breed of dog is your favorite? Post a picture of it. 
Submitted by Melissa.

Newfoundland

I wants me a Newfoundland.  It's just too hot in Texas.

What is your daily commute like?  What is the weirdest thing you've seen on that commute? 
Submitted by E. 

I work less than twenty minutes away from home, so it's not really something I think about too much.  But I've never gotten used to the way the roads twist and turn here in Deltona.  There is no "going around the block".  You pretty much have to pull into someone's driveway and turn around completely, or risk getting lost in a maze of dead ends and streets that have three different names, depending on where you are.  I have a digital compass on my dashboard, and it spins and beeps and sometimes, I think it's going to explode.  East is west, and south is north, and you might find that you're going in all directions within a quarter-mile!

Sandhill Cranes

The route is mainly through residential neighborhoods, with lots of school zones and bus stops.  Perhaps the weirdest thing I've seen is a traffic backup due to a flock of sandhill cranes crossing the road.  Sandhills are not hasty

creatures.  They take their sweet time, and will often stop to peer into the car windows.  Floridians tend to respect nature a wee bit more, so it's rare to see anyone try to move around them.  In Texas, you're more likely to see someone just plow right through, which is a damn shame.  I saw a baby sandhill not too long ago, and it looked like a rabbit on stilts.  So cute.