3 posts tagged “sadness”

So, I've sat and stewed, walked and whined.  Today was a shitty day.  No doubt about that.  I get bitter and angry sometimes at the cards I've been dealt. 

But I have to stop and count my blessings.  Okay, yeah, I don't have a wonderful job that challenges my creativity anymore.  I had to leave it behind.  But you know what?  It opened up the opportunity to advance myself.  If I was still in Florida, I wouldn't be in school.  I wouldn't have the friends I have.  I would have missed the chance to see what I'm made of.  And boy, I am made of some seriously bad ass stuff.

There will be other libraries, other wonderful coworkers.  It's just a little way away.

However, nothing good can come out of running into your ex.  That's just depressing.

Well, maybe that's an exaggeration.  But when you witness a coworker, a friend, get treated so badly that she starts to cry thanks to a random asshole customer, you start to realize that a large portion of this country is greedy, asinine, cruel, and basically NOT VERY NICE.

Don't think that just because we're twenty-somethings working in retail, you can walk all over us.  Hey, guess what?  We're working two jobs and putting ourselves through school and we deserve respect.  What the fuck have you done lately?  Yeah, we make shit for money, but we're just trying to get by with some dignity. 

Here's some advice to America's clueless consumers:  Get a fucking clue, get the cell phone away from your ear, put a smile on your fucking face, and fucking treat us like humans, not your personal servants.  Pick up after yourself.  Put things back where they belong.  When I greet you, fucking acknowledge me.  I do not answer to, "Hey!"  I have a bloody name.  Don't bitch about prices...there's not a fucking thing I can do about it.  Don't show up and expect to be able to browse when it's five minutes before we close.  We don't get paid overtime so that you can look around at your leisure and then not fucking buy anything.  Don't you have better things to do? 

Oh, and watch your idiotic offspring.  Put them on a leash, please.  My mother would have beaten me in the middle of the store if I'd acted the way your little sticky-fingered, whining monsters do.  No wonder this world is going to shit.   If these children are our future, I want nothing to do with it.

I'm moving to the middle of the fucking forest in Nova Scotia or something.  Fuck.

P.S.  I think we all should be required to work a retail job for two years, so that everyone can experience being treated like shit.  Maybe then, we'd realize how much it hurts.

Back in January, when I moved home to Tyler, I added a StatCounter to this blog.  I was curious to see how many people read my writing and where they hailed from.  I was pleasantly surprised to see hits from as far away as Russia, Brazil, London, etc.  But I noticed other things, too.

It's okay.  It's a public blog, and anyone who has access to the internet can and should be able to read what I write.  I still keep some posts private, even from close friends.  I have my secrets. 

However.  I do not understand why there are those who claim to hate me, who believe that I am a terrible person, and yet they are here, reading about my life, everyday.  Sometimes multiple times a day.   I hate that I have to address this, but I really don't understand.

Is it that:
a) you miss the friendship, as I do, and wish things had worked out differently?
b) you want to see if I'm miserable?
c) you're gathering ammunition?

Whatever the answer, I want to set aside my privacy for a moment and let you in.

The bad:  I do miss Jason sometimes.  I wake up some mornings thinking I am still in Florida.  I cry when I think too much about the library and the kids.  I feel like a failure from time to time.  I work a temp part-time job at the music store, and I barely make enough money to cover my car insurance and cell phone bills.  I have scars on the insides of my elbows from selling plasma to make ends meet.  I'm scared all the time. 

The good:  I drove all the way back myself.  I will be in school this fall.  I cook all the time.  I have the greatest friends a girl could ask for.  I have traveled.  I've dated, and though it didn't work out, I am grateful that I met him and care about him immensely.  He opened my eyes to the fact that I am a good person who deserves to be happy.  I drive my little car all over the place, no destination in mind.  I get out there and dance, even when I don't have a partner.  I wear dresses and pretty heels.  I drink when I can and have almost learned how to throw back a shot.  I'm still working on that.  I read whatever I want, whenever I want, and if I want to get online to kill a few hours, I don't feel guilty.

I am fine.  I hope you are fine, too.  I wish we could bury the hatchet, even if we do so in silence.  I want you to know that I am ready when you are.  Life is too short and too precious to carry a burden like this.